BATU, Indonesia. Photo by Jes Aznar

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

that little face

(Pardon me. This entry is all about motherhood and if you don't like listening to mothers rave or rant about motherhood, just skip this entry)

How do I leave that little face crying every morning as I step out the door? It's heartwrenching, oh yes. But I have to. Lately, I've been feeling I'm not strong enough to be a mom. How could my own mother be so patient with all five of us? How could she have the strength to walk out on us every morning to earn a living, despite our crying faces?

Tell me, my fellow mothers, just how do you cope? How does one become a mom? How does one get the strength to leave that little crying face in the morning? I'm not sure.

All I know is that I only have one shot with this role. If I fail, I would have terribly failed to make an individual grow to the best of her abilities. I would have terribly failed to raise an individual who will never stop to struggle for what's best for her and society. I would have terribly failed to be a mom.

I don't have the answers. And sometimes, I don't have the strength. I think of my own mother, who despite her growing number of white hair and wrinkles on her stunning beauty, gave us all she could. I remember her with a big embrace when I went home that fateful early morning, many years ago with my heart ripped apart into pieces by a man I truly loved.

The embrace of a mother still is the safest place in this crazy world. I hope my own daughter feels the same way, too everytime I embrace her with my thin arms.

The truth about motherhood is that it hurts a lot. It hurts to see that little face crying every morning everytime I head out the door to search for the day's news. I can only hope that someday, she will understand. I hope, I do, too.

I only have one shot. This isn't like a career where you can get second and third chances. This one's crucial and I hope I muster enough energy to become the mother that I should be.

How? How? How? How do I leave that little crying face? Please somebody tell me how.