BATU, Indonesia. Photo by Jes Aznar

Saturday, October 21, 2006


I’m embarking on a new and different adventure.

It could probably be as exciting as my most memorable adventures – meeting the Badjaos of Basilan, mountain trekking in Kazahkstan, backpacking in Prague and drinking gin with the Ivatans of Batanes – but I know it will be so much different.

When I entered the room, all the strength I had left my 100 pound body. Suddenly, I was nothing but a fragile soul treading unfamiliar territory.

I was led to a darker room with nothing but a bed and some machines.

“Take off your pants and lie down,” the doctor told me.

This is it, I told myself.

She promised me it’s going to be ok as long as I’m strong enough. The process took less than ten minutes.

It didn’t feel good. It hurt many times.

“Do you want to see why it’s worth the pain? I’ll show you,” she said.

I had just taken an ultrasound test.

It’s REAL. There’s a LIFE growing inside me. The heart is beating 184 beats per minute. It’s a miracle.

I’m going to be a MOTHER. What right do I have? I don’t know. All I know is I’ve been chosen. I’ve been picked by natural selection, by some strange twist of fate, by some magic, by some irony.

I, with a singularly single lifestyle and absolutely undomesticated soul, have been chosen to become a mother.

Motherhood, as my doctor said, is a privilege.

“Good cardiovascular activity,” the doctor said after finishing the ultrasound process.

I’m having a BABY.

Someone once wrote that to have a child is to begin the greatest of all adventures – you try to become the best person you can be to raise a new life and to present to the world a responsible and honest individual who will carry on the struggle for a better tomorrow.

Words will never be enough to explain this journey.

I’ve always believed that there are persons cut out to be mothers. I never considered myself one of them. I am an impatient, temperamental, extremely moody, selfish and individualistic soul. But I will try to be a mom.

I will try my best to nurture an individual who will never stop to struggle for what is good for him or her and for society. Maybe that that is what it meant to be a mother. Maybe that is what it meant to be a woman.

But I know that motherhood won’t be a walk in the park. It’s no playground. It’s going to be very difficult. I will make mistakes, big ones. But what is important is to learn from those mistakes.

My journey will take a while. I’m scheduled to give birth in April. I look forward to meeting my child. I will sit on the wings of angels and hopefully, I’ll make it.

(written on August 26, 2006, the day I took an ultrasound test).